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Sarah
31 December 2021 @ 04:35 pm
the skyline was beautiful on fire
all twisting metal stretching upwards,
everything washed in a thin orange haze -- -


Who?
                andromeda3116, cupid-painted-blind, Touch of Gray, Wings of the Morning, andromeda311, Sarah.
Why "andromeda"?  Or the other names?
               Andromeda is a major player in my favorite Greek myth -- Perseus and the Medusa.  Perseus finds Andromeda when she's chained to a rock, about to be sacrificed to a sea monster because of her mother's arrogance.  I love the story, and I also really, really love that name, and the meaning: she who has bravery in her mind.
              cupid-painted-blind and Touch of Gray are both from fanfiction.net; cupid-painted-blind is from a line from my favorite Shakespearean play, A Midsummer Night's Dream: "love looks not with the eyes but with the mind/therefore is winged Cupid painted blind."  Touch of Gray is from a song of the same name by the Grateful Dead: "every silver lining's got a/touch of gray."
              Wings of the Morning is an old, old screenname I've used on other sites, and it's a reference to Charles Lindberg's epitaph: "If I take on the wings of the morning/and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea."
Where?
            The portion of the United States marked "South."  The largest university in my state.  Harry Potter, Avatar: the Last Airbender, Final Fantasy, and occasionally X-Men fandoms, along with a miscellaneous collection of other fiction works.  TV Tropes, Cracked, io9, dreamwidth, fanfiction.net, fictionpress.com.
What?
            A lot of this journal is taken up with fanfiction and other writing fragments.  I'm working on consolidating all of my tags by fandom, but it's still a work-in-progress.  There's over 170 entries originally tagged with "fic" -- that's the accumulation of almost six years of posting to this site.  I do not recommend delving too deep into that tag, lest you disturb that from which you will flee.
            What I also do on here is use this as, well, a journal.  There's a lot of darkness hidden in the "life" tag -- I suffer from mental illness(es), and it's slowly taken over my life as I've gotten older.  I'm coming out of it, though, as much as one can.  Still, I post about it often and in-depth because I've been writing since I could hold a pen and I organize my thoughts far better through writing than by any other method.  I use this journal as a fusion of therapy and literature.
            Finally, there's quite a bit of meta scattered throughout the various fandom tags.  I've waxed poetic about my Feelings regarding Mai of Avatar: the Last Airbender, who is simultaneously my most favorite and my most frustrating character.  She also has the lion's share of my Avatar fanfiction.  I do ship, and for a while there, I was a vehement shipper in the Avatar fandom, which is odd for me since usually I ship whichever characters I think it would be amusing to throw together and had not, until joining that fandom, ever gotten riled up over a pairing.  It... wasn't always a good experience.  I did, however, meet several incredible people, so it balances itself out.
What else should I know?
            I lean left in politics, I'm majoring in a hard science, I don't go to church (but I don't get angry at those who do), I'm a feminist, I'm pro-choice, I think it's unconstitutional that gay marriage is illegal in most states, I value freedom over almost everything else, I have a tattoo of a phoenix on my right ankle, I'm a cynic, I write because I would die if I didn't, I have a somewhat traumatic past, and I identify as a romantic asexual.  I was raised on classic rock, ancient history, and Stories from the Intensive Care Unit at the Local Hospital, so I have a soft spot for good music, a working knowledge of most historical time periods, and an iron stomach.  I try not to hurt people, but I can be distant and unresponsive at times, although that does not mean that I do not care.
            (There's a reason Mai is my favorite Avatar character.)
What isn't okay with you, fandom-wise?
            Bashing, either of characters or ships.  I admit that in the past I've been guilty of this, and I'm not going to go down that road again.  In an attempt to turn over a new leaf, the rule extends to all of the characters and pairings, not just the ones I like.  Plagiarism, obviously, is all kinds of I will end you.  Poorly-written female characters.  Wanton cruelty to the common comma.  People who turn off spellcheck because they get sick of all the red squiggly lines.  Critical research failures.  People who don't understand the function of the "shift" button, or the "enter" button.  Purple prose.  Bad things being touted as good things.
Anything else?
            If you want to watch this journal for my writing, you don't have to ask.  Just go ahead and friend me, but I won't friend you back unless you leave a comment asking me to do so.  I have this policy because, like I said, there's a lot of darkness and a lot of in-depth discussion of my mental disorder(s), and I don't want to overburden strangers with my issues, unless they want to get to know me personally.


-- - i said, "kiss me, you're beautiful, these are truly the last days."  
you grabbed my hand and we fell into it,
like a daydream, or a fever.
 
 
Sarah
30 December 2021 @ 10:37 pm
Since it became clear to me that my New Year's Resolution for 2011 wasn't going to happen, I decided to make an all-inclusive fandom post detailing what fandoms you may find me in (or which I might end up dabbling in), what I may or may not ship within each, and what you're likely to find fic of on this journal.  Arranged alphabetically; italics indicates currently active fandoms.

Masterlist of Fandoms )
 
 
Sarah
…because if I hadn’t inhaled three cups of his tea, I would have stormed out in a huff of unfocused and uncontrollable rage.

But!

Because I inhaled three cups, I have managed to express to my boss — politely! — the reason that I have, of late, been very on-edge and short-tempered, calmly requested tomorrow evening off so that I can join the rest of my family for a dinner/night together while we still have the opportunity, and — this is the most important bit — managed to both keep my job and take good enough care of the customers that I made $41 off of four (cheap-ticket) tables.

I am now bringing a box of tea with me to work and hiding it for use on bad days because, seriously, this was like a miracle in a teabag. I want to go back in time and shake Charles Grey’s hand.

Uncle Iroh would be so proud of me.

I haven't been around here lately because I severely underestimated the life-eating addiction that is Tumblr.

I do want to thank everyone for their words/support regarding the last post. It's... I've known for a while now that he would be going overseas, but it just suddenly became real right then, when we all sat down for the family discussion about "what to expect" and it was like -- oh, God, my brother is going to Afghanistan and he isn't going to be on-base all the time like he was during his last deployment and he's saying that there might be weeks that we won't hear anything from him and then he confesses that he's afraid of what might happen and -- and I'm thinking don't tell me this. Don't -- don't make this real. Just let me not think about it like I did last time.

But then, there's also a part of me that's saying -- stop trying to pretend it isn't going to happen and make the time to spend with your brother while he is here because it'll probably be fine but maybe it won't and if it isn't, you'll spend the rest of your life regretting this month.

Which also probably isn't the best way to think of it, but it is the truth.

Which is also a reason I haven't been around here much, and I'm kind of pulling back from Tumblr in the last couple of days too. I'm trying to step away from the computer and do the small things like crash on the couch and watch 1000 Ways to Die with my brother and a bowl of popcorn, or sit down to dinner whether I'm hungry or not, or just hang out with him when I can because the internet -- and fandom -- will be here, long after he's overseas. It's like a constant war, between the part of me that wants to hide and the part of me that knows better than to hide, and.

And, God, I still half-want to say just get this over already. Because this waiting game is hell. Having this date looming over everything is apt to drive me mad, because it's not far enough away and it's making me anxious and scared.

Anyway, the point is, it helps to see that others care, and I don't want it to come off like it doesn't mean anything to me that you guys replied, it's just that I'm bad at putting these kinds of emotions into personal words -- I even choked up tonight, just trying to say to my boss that my brother is deploying!  So, I just wanted to say...

Thank you, all of you. It means a lot to me, more than I can say.

Tags:
 
 
Current Mood: gratefulgrateful
 
 
Sarah
11 May 2012 @ 03:59 pm
I don't do church, I don't pray, it's not my thing. But my brother is deploying again, to Afghanistan, stationed in the mountains on the border with Pakistan, and one of their jobs will be road clearance. If you do pray, or believe in any kind of God or gods, please. 
 
 
Sarah
27 April 2012 @ 10:03 pm
White Russians, ramen, and sitting alone on the couch, rewatching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. This should tell you all you need to know about my week.
 
 
Sarah
20 April 2012 @ 03:17 pm
Title: A Friendly Reminder
Author: andromeda3116/cupid-painted-blind
Rating: G-ish
Genre: Humor! I had to write something funny after yesterday’s fic.
Characters/Pairings: Lin, Toph, cameos from others. Mother/daughter love in the way that only Toph would show it.
Summary: Toph Bei Fong makes it a point to, graciously and kindly, always tell Lin where she is.
A/N: I don’t care what canon says. Toph is immortal.

Lin loved and respected her mother deeply. )

 
 
Sarah
20 April 2012 @ 02:16 am
Title: Lie in the Sound
Author: andromeda3116/cupid-painted-blind
Word Count: TOO MANY.  5700-ish
Rating: PG?  Something like that.
Genre: Romance/Angst/I-made-myself-cry-in-the-last-bit
Characters/Pairings: Suki; Suki/Sokka, other canon pairings on the side.
Summary: Five times Suki believed that love was destructive, and one time she didn't.
A/N: It occurred to me that I don't write Suki enough.  So, to Suki: a love letter.  I'm sorry it's such a sad one but I don't think I'm capable of writing anything that isn't sad.  Song that lends itself to the title is "Lie in the Sound" by Tresspassers William.



Oh, the timing is cruel. Oh, I need and don't want to need more than I should. )
 
 
Sarah
I've only just found this, via fuckyeahfeminism, and I'm going back to the source to talk about it, partly because this is something that people will get up-in-arms about (for one side or another) and because I don't want to base what I'm saying on second-hand interpretation.

This is rehashing the information in the paper. If you're familiar with it, you can skip this bit. )
But that's not why I'm bringing all of this up.  And I am not putting this behind a cut.

I'm bringing this up because these guys in this focus group, the judges and juries, the sexual assault volunteers and counselors -- they're all assuming that the woman can look him in the eye and say no in such a way that he knows she means it.  What if she feels like she doesn't have a choice?  What if she's scared of what might happen if she does say no?  What if she feels trapped in the situation?

What if she's shrinking and nervous by nature?  What if she's ashamed of herself for even letting herself get into the situation?  What if she's mortified at the fact that she's not okay with sex when everyone else around her is?  What if she's afraid of being judged for not putting out?  What if she's said no with her body but been ignored?  What if she's saying no, but quietly and looking away when she does?

(Aside: I don't think of that "sort of saying no and looking away flirty" thing as necessarily "flirtatious."  I think of that as "I'm terrified to look you in the eyes and deny you what you want because if you lash out at me, I am defenseless."  Or maybe I'm projecting.)

What I'm trying to get at is -- just because she doesn't say no firmly and loudly and looking you in the eyes, does not mean she's saying yes.  Can it be legally classified as rape if she doesn't say no clearly?


Because while teaching people that no means no and that they should seek enthusiastic consent is a good thing, it doesn't cover everything.  

It doesn't cover the young girls who are scared and feel trapped when they find themselves alone with a boy.  

It doesn't cover the already-neurotic girls who are already frightened by everything.  

It doesn't cover the women who feel like they aren't allowed to say no, either because the man is in a position of power or because she's stuck alone with him and has no way home if he doesn't give her a ride.

And in these cases, the woman is left alone.  Ashamed and afraid to be around him.  Unable to say anything to anyone because "you didn't say no, did you?"  And the thought of ever telling anyone that you think he was wrong, let alone even considering trying to take it to court?  "You didn't say no, did you?"

Which all translates to:  "It's your fault because you didn't say no."

"He can't be blamed for not reading your body language because you didn't say no."

None of this accounts for the girls who can't say no.  What do we do?  Saying, well, she needs to learn to be more self-confident and we can teach her that -- that's great, but none of that helps take away the things that have happened to her in the past, and you can't force self-confidence on someone.  And more to the point, telling her that she should be more confident and firm in what she wants just reinforces the idea -- already echoing in her head -- that she's to blame.

Because if you were more confident, you would have been able to say no in such a way that he would have taken you seriously.

All of this -- all of it -- functions in a way that lifts blame from the perpetrator and shifts it to the victim, someone who is already suffering from psychological distress over the violation and the victimization and the memory of what happened.

What do you do instead?

I'm not going to say to stop teaching girls to say no firmly and resolutely, because that's a very good thing -- but we also need to teach boys how to read body language, and that even the quietest "no" is still a no.

We need to stop blaming the victims, or the nebulous "miscommunication" (because even that term still translates to "she should have been clearer") and start listening to people when they say "I don't know where this falls on the spectrum, I don't know what I could have done, I just know that I feel like I've been violated."  

And maybe you can't make a rape or sexual assault conviction out of that, but -- fuck, you can listen.  You can offer solace and understanding and an ear that isn't going to repeat that same goddamn "did you tell him no clearly and firmly" line.  You can be the person who doesn't blame her.  You can be the person who tells people to back off if they're making fun of her or attacking her, either because they think she did it on purpose or because they think she's lying about what happened or because they think she's trying to ruin his life.

I'm going to repeat this one because it's so important: you can be the person who doesn't blame her.  If she's in this situation, especially if she's one of the girls who couldn't say no, then it's likely that no one is going to not blame her, most especially herself.  She's going to feel like it was her fault, and ninety-nine percent of the people she confides in will treat it like it was her fault, either explicitly or implicitly.

Trust me, she needs someone to say "I understand the situation you were in and he was wrong and you have every right to feel violated an unclean."  And no, that doesn't mean don't try to teach her to stand up for herself in the future, but do it with understanding.

And for God's sake, do it without blame.
 
 
Sarah
17 April 2012 @ 02:46 pm
Guys you know I don't ship Kataang but this is actually really adorable.  I find that it's not the pairing I dislike so much as the execution.  I learn this as I'm sifting through Korra art and there's a pretty good dose of AtLA art and some of it is post-series Kataang and I'm like... I am not entirely opposed to this.

I'm remembering why I originally kind of liked it, way back when I first started watching it.  It's just that I really hate they way they handled it in-series.

Also I finally caved and got a tumblr.  It's under the same name.  I don't really know how to use it yet?  But I was going through all the ridiculous tumblrs that I try to keep up with and I was like this is stupid why am I making this so difficult.

It remains to be seen if this will go the way of LJ (that is, "hey I don't know if I like this omgIlovethisgivememore") or the way of pinterest ("hey let me try this oh wait nevermind please no").  The last time I tried tumblr, our relationship didn't work out, but that was before I realized that fandom exists there so I was like what is the point?

And because I'm scattered all over the place today (because I'm running on two hours of sleep, the extended-release version of ritalin, and about four cups of coffee) you should all read this comic.  I mean, the whole comic in general is good but rather dense?  Like, I kind of really love the concept of Dungeons and Discourse, but it only really works when you've got Wikipedia open in another tab.  Those aren't even my words.  That's the creator's admission.  The storyline starts off pretty... kind of off-putting?  I mean, yes, I identify as an Atheist, but early on it's very, very anti-religion and that doesn't sit well with me, but as it continues, you can tell that the creator is growing to see the alternate sides of things and I love that progression.  It starts off very much "science: good, religion: bad" but particularly in the latest arc, you can see that he's exploring the negatives of a purely science-driven world which is refreshing and interesting.

Anyway, what I really want to talk about is that specific comic that I linked originally.  It took me a couple of reads to really get what's happening (for reference: the brunette woman that the main character is remembering is her mother, who died when she was about thirteen) but when I did, I was like this is an amazing, incredible concept.  And it's not just an interesting story, but beautiful art that so clearly expresses what's happening and the emotions associated with it and every time I re-read it I think I must fic this, only I can't come up with any way to say it better.  I even had one of those moments today, where I was trying to remember the context of a detail that floated to mind, and I pictured it just like that, with the fragments -- it's such an excellent expression of that feeling.

It leaves me breathless.  I love finding things like that, that leave you feeling like you've been punched in the gut.
 
 
Sarah
16 April 2012 @ 11:55 pm
Hey guys so I joined Pottermore for the cool information but really for the sorting hat and I'm in Slytherin.

I was kind of springing for Ravenclaw, but I'm honestly kind of pleased.  Slytherin is more interesting than the other houses, and also the common room is underground and the lake laps against the windows of the dorm rooms.  Which would be both absolutely horrifying (because giant squid) but at the same time totally awesome.  Also, to be honest, I'd like to know more about Slytherin House in general, because we see it through such a Harry-haze in the books and it'll be cool to see what Rowling has about it and its history and all.

also I am a nerd.

And also I'm trying to avoid talking about Korra here until I'm a little more certain about it because I'm trying to reserve judgment?  But can I just say that it's really freaking sad that Katara's the last one alive?  Because she's stuck alone in the SWT and apparently none of her children live anywhere near her and it's breaking my heart.  It's like, I'm not wishing her dead because in my head Katara and Toph are both immortal, but when she says that her brother and many of her friends are gone I'm like :((((((

Also why does she look and sound exactly like the original Gran-Gran?  It's like they just recycled Kanna's animation and said "hey guys it's an 84-year-old Katara" because that makes sense?

And I don't care what canon says.  I don't care if we get a shot of Lin visiting her mother's grave, flashing back to the funeral, talking about watching her die I don't care Toph is alive.  She faked her death.  She stuffed a scarecrow into the coffin.  She is traveling around the world incognito, adding little touches to her and the rest of the Gaang's statues (one day, Tenzin passes by the statue of Aang and is surprised to see that he appears to have a giant handlebar mustache now.)

(And then she takes Bolin under her wing and everything in Mako's life goes to hell.)

(headcanon.)

I've been on tumblr a lot lately and it shows.  Nngh fandom.  I have homework.

OH ALSO I think it's really funny that basically everyone (myself included) are just waiting for Korra to go Avatar State.  It's like yeah, yeah bending revolts and big city and polar-bear dog and Mako is hot but I want to see her lose her shit.

dammit fandom.